


Drawn to You

by schneefink



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Prostitution, Alternate Universe - Soul Bond, M/M, Trope Inversion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2015-03-03
Packaged: 2018-03-16 04:45:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3474926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schneefink/pseuds/schneefink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert never thought he would find his soulmate. Soulbonding with the hooker he picked up is a surprise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drawn to You

**Author's Note:**

> Set during the 2013 season, but I'm ignoring the details. Mark Eaton wasn't signed in this AU and Borts mostly stays with the NHL club. Originally written as a [kinkmeme fill](http://thesinbin.dreamwidth.org/1008.html?thread=201200#cmt201200). Thanks to snickfic and araline for beta.

Robert is lying on his bed, sweaty and satisfied, watching the guy pick up his clothes. The guy turns, makes eye contact – and suddenly it feels like a hot stone was dropped on Robert's chest. He gasps and tries to move back, but he's lying on his back and he feels pinned there, trapped. Then the stone dissolves into warm honey, spreading through his body, and Robert moans in relief. 

He's only heard about it, but he knows what this is. For a moment he just lies there and smiles stupidly at the ceiling, because he's found his soulmate.

"Fuck," he hears the guy – his soulmate – swear.

Robert sits up quickly and has to wait a second until the dizziness is over. His soulmate is slumped against the wall and looking at the floor.

"Fuck," the guy complains, "why couldn't I at least bond with a better hockey player?"

"Hey!" Robert protests, insulted. The euphoria is already starting to disappear, almost as fast as it arrived. "Wait, you know who I am?"

His soulmate rolls his eyes. "Of course I know who you are. Why do you think I didn't demand payment up front?"

Robert isn't touching that one. "What's wrong with being bonded to me?" At least he has a legal job. 

Fuck, his soulmate is a criminal. Technically, now so is he, if his vague memories of Pennsylvania's prostitution law are correct. Robert doesn't know what the fuck he was thinking. 

"You're a seventh D-man on a team with one of the best blueline prospect pools in the league. You won't stay here more than a few years, tops. And with my luck you're going to be traded to Winnipeg." The guy grimaces. 

Okay, Robert can sort of see how that would suck. Winnipeg is really not on his list of preferred trade destinations. But it definitely beats being in jail.

He briefly thinks about being insulted about the fact that the guy doesn't think the team will keep him, but it's nothing he hasn't thought about before. Hell, if Shero hears about this he might just decide to trade him immediately. Speaking of.

"Please tell me you're not underage," he asks. 

"I'm 21," the guy says. "And for your information, my name is Beau."

Robert winces. What a fantastic start to a relationship.

They stare at each other for almost a full minute. The new bond seems to vibrate inside Robert's ribs. He really wants to reach out and touch, his fingers twitch, but he's not sure he's allowed.

"Don't you have practice tomorrow?" Beau asks eventually.

"Not in the morning," Robert answers automatically. "Otherwise I wouldn't have… you know," he gestures at Beau awkwardly.

"Of course," Beau says with a raised eyebrow. "Well, I still have places to be tonight. And you still owe me money."

Right. His soulmate is a prostitute. Robert digs through his wallet and tries to remember the price Beau had told him. He feels too awkward to ask, so he just takes out a couple of hundred dollar bills.

There is something profoundly wrong about his soulmate planning to leave him right after they bonded, but Robert has no idea what to do. He never planned for this, never thought he'd find his soulmate. He wants to ask where Beau is going, but he's afraid the answer is going to be another client and he doesn't even want to think about that. When he tries to remember everything he ever heard about soulbonds, about when the emotional connection starts, all he can recall is that it sometimes takes a while. He can't feel Beau yet, anyway, or he thinks he can't, unless Beau is feeling the exact same mixture of shock and awkwardness.

Beau got dressed in the meantime. He takes the money without comment, so it must be enough. "You got a phone? Or a piece of paper or something?"

"Why?" Robert asks.

"So I can write down my number," Beau says, rolling his eyes again. "I get that you're not happy with this, but we're still soulbonded. I assume you'll want to call me at some point."

"Right," Robert says, feeling stupid. In his defense, he's still naked and he just had an excellent orgasm. (Beau seems fully functional. He's ignoring that.) 

He hands his phone over and watches Beau put in his number. 

"Right. Call me when you have a few hours. We should probably talk about this," Beau says when he hands it back. "Nice meeting you." He waves and walks out the door.

It's so surreal that Robert just stares after him for a few seconds.

He just got soulbonded. To a prostitute. Fuck.

\---

He plays terrible in practice the next day. He could barely sleep, he looked up information on soulbonds the whole morning and almost forgot to eat, and the new bond sits like a warm weight in his chest, throwing off his balance. Coach Dan almost stops him when they get off the ice, but Robert ducks his head and mumbles an apology about feeling tired. He already knows he won't play in the next game anyway.

He doesn't pay much attention in the locker room and tries to head out immediately after he's showered and dressed, but someone calls his name in the hallway. Robert turns.

"Borts!" Flower says with a big smile, "leaving so soon?" He raises a hand to poke Robert in the chest.

Robert can't help flinching backwards. His chest still feels raw, open, the new soulbond still settling into place.

"Huh," Flower says and tilts his head. "We have to talk."

"What," Robert protests. Then he remembers that Flower is the only other player on the team with a soulbond and curses internally.

Flower drags him into an empty equipment room, closes the door and crosses his arms. Robert has only ever seen him smiling, angry, focused on hockey, or two of the three; having Flower's attention focused on him feels strange and not particularly comfortable.

"You have a new soulbond?" Flower asks, as if daring Robert to lie. Robert is almost sure he can detect lies via goalie magic.

"Yes," he admits. "Since yesterday. It was an accident," he says when Flower raises his eyebrows.

"I'm not judging," Flower says. "You know that…"

"Yes, I know," Robert interrupts. He read all about it just a few hours ago. Soulbonds normally develop slowly, and only if both people want them. Spontaneous, accidental bondings are very rare. They only occur either in cases of extremely high compatibility, or during sex.

"It takes a few days to settle completely, but you don't look like it's stable," Flower observes.

"It's not," Robert says. "Or I don't think so. He wasn't exactly thrilled."

Flower doesn't react to the pronoun. "You have to tell the team doctors and management, of course," he says. Robert winces at the thought. "And you know it's very hard to play in the NHL with an unstable bond? Almost impossible." 

Robert knew that. Unstable bonds are distracting, they're likely to affect fitness and concentration, and you can't afford that in the NHL. Whenever a player gets visibly worse from one season to the next there are rumors that it's bond-related, and in a few cases it was even confirmed later. He'd been trying not to think about it. But then it's not like he's currently playing that much anyway.

"I'll talk to them," he promises.

"Good. Congratulations on your soulbond," Flower says, smiling widely.

Robert blinks at him. "Thank you?" 

"And good luck." 

\---

Later that day Beau shows up at Robert's apartment in a grey hoodie, hands buried in his pockets, and without make-up. "Nice place," he says, looking around, but he doesn't seem particularly interested.

"You want something to drink?" Robert offers. 

"I'm good." 

Robert stands around awkwardly. The bond in his chest (he knows it's not really in his chest, that's just where he happens to feel it, but he feels it so strongly he sometimes thinks he could touch it) vibrates.

Beau sits down on the couch, and Robert sits down in the chair. "So…"

"I don't believe in soulmates," Beau says abruptly.

"You don't?" Robert asks blankly.

"I know soulbonds exist, but I don't believe in the whole destiny thing. It's body chemistry or whatever, but it's not fate."

"Okay," Robert says cautiously. He's heard of people like that, he always vaguely associated that movement with hipsters. The idea seems strange to him: sure, you should be able to choose who you love, but why would you want to if you know your soulmate's right there? "So…"

"It was just an accident. I looked it up, and if we dissolve the bond right now it'll hurt your play, so we can wait until the off-season."

"Oh."

"With the bond it'll feel bad for both of us if I have sex with anyone else, so I'm willing to stop working for now if I can move in." Beau seems calm and business-like, like he's thought it all through and arrived at the best possible conclusion.

"Wait a second," Robert says, still trying to catch up. "I mean, sure, you can move in. But… are you sure you want to dissolve the bond? We don't even know each other yet."

"I'm sure," Beau says firmly. "Just because you paid to fuck me and our bodies think they're compatible or whatever doesn't mean I have to do shit."

Robert can't help flinching a bit at that. "I, yes. Okay." He tells himself that he's lucky. Beau could have decided to one-sidedly break the bond, which is supposed to be very painful, instead of waiting and later mutually dissolving it. 

"Great." Beau stands and rolls his shoulders back, stretching. Robert forces himself not to watch. "Text me when I can move in. Oh, and just to be clear, I won't have sex with you. And if you try anything I'll break the bond immediately. Understood?" 

"Understood," Robert manages.

\---

The first week or so Robert could almost forget he even has a roommate. Beau usually either stays in his room or leaves the house, and he doesn't like Robert asking him what he does during the day. He set up a few more rules: no touching, and Robert isn't allowed to ask him about his past. At night he stays in his room, right next to Robert's, and it's almost enough for the soulbond to feel stable. 

The one time Robert tentatively reaches out over their bond he finds soft, beautiful blue – and then sudden anger, a wall of resentment shoving him back. He ends up sitting on the floor, clutching his chest and breathing too fast, until it fades. The next day he searches the internet for tips on how to suppress the emotional connection.

It's fine, Robert tells himself. If Beau wants nothing to do with him, that's his right. It would be a bad idea to get comfortable around him when they'll just end up separating in a few months anyway. 

On the team, only Flower and Desi know about his soulbond, but only in general terms. Robert didn't even plan to tell Desi, but he hadn't come up with an excuse why he doesn't want Desi to come over anymore quickly enough. As far as he knows they think Beau was a one-night-stand. They chirp him about it once, but stop when they see how much he hates it, because they're good guys. Sid and Brooks and Nisky have all asked him if there's something wrong and if they can help, but didn't insist when he said that he already told management and the coaching staff and that he's handling it. Coach Dan never mentions it at all, but Robert strongly suspects that it was him who slipped the card of a bond specialist in his bag. The team doctors say it's not strictly necessary, so he ignores it.

He knows it's a bad idea to be happy when Beau starts returning his greetings with more than just a nod, and when he starts to show up for breakfast. He shouldn't enjoy it so much when their meaningless conversations slowly become longer, especially when he finds out that Beau also follows the Pirates and Steelers. He shouldn't feel light when he manages to get Beau to smile at him. It feels good, like he's doing something right, succeeding at something he's supposed to do. But they're temporary roommates, nothing more. 

Robert becomes progressively more nervous when the trade deadline approaches, especially after Shero trades for Murray. Most of the media trade speculation centers on Desi, who almost seems used to it, but Robert is worried. He really doesn't want to leave. Shero didn't react much to the news of Robert's soulbond, not even when Robert told him how he met Beau (he didn't want to, but he was pretty sure he was contractually obliged), only demanded he tell nobody else, which Robert hadn't planned on anyway. But Shero might still prefer to trade him to have one less thing to worry about. Robert's agent said it wasn't likely, but Robert was pretty sure he only said that to try and reassure him.

Beau sends him a text shortly after the deadline passes, just a brief "thanks for not getting traded". Robert wonders how much of that is sarcasm and how much is genuine. Probably more of the latter than Beau would like to admit; or maybe Robert just wishes that was the case. He didn't want to think about what Beau would do if Robert got traded this season.

"you said you dont like Winnipeg" he sends back. 

"who does?" he gets. Robert quickly looks up to check that nobody saw him smiling stupidly at his phone. Duper maybe did, but he just raises one eyebrow and Robert quickly looks away.

They text sometimes after that. Beau comes up with the most random lines. Sometimes when Robert is bored he scrolls back on his phone to reread them. 

\---

Robert comes home early from practice one day and there's another guy sitting on his couch next to Beau.

"This is Jayson," Beau says with a lazy wave of his hand. 

Robert waits for some kind of clarification who Jayson is, but there seems to be none coming. Jayson just nods at him. 

"Nice to meet you," Robert says, trying and failing to keep the curiosity out of his voice. Beau has never mentioned any friends or family before. The one time Robert forgot about the rule and asked about them, after Beau mentioned growing up in California, Beau left and didn't come home for the night.

Robert thinks sometimes that talking with Beau is like walking through his apartment in the dark. He knows approximately where the obstacles should be, but he still sometimes trips over them.

"Hi," Jayson says. He seems friendly enough, if a bit guarded. Like Beau often does – except when Robert looks over Beau seems completely relaxed for once, his face open, body turned towards Jayson.

"I just," Robert gestures awkwardly towards the kitchen and his room.

"Sure, man." Beau nudges Jayson's shoulder with his own and grins.

Robert leaves the room quickly. There's something tight in his chest, and he takes a deep breath. He can hear Jayson say something and Beau laughing in response behind him, which doesn't help. He closes the door quickly.

He has absolutely no right to be jealous. Of course Beau has friends, and of course he's relaxed around them and they can make him laugh. He doesn't want to be jealous.

Robert puts his bag down and sits down on his bed. His mind flashes to the image of Beau and Jayson sitting on the couch, very close. Was Beau's hand on Jayson's thigh? Suddenly he wonders if Beau and Jayson were dating before – well, him. That would explain some of Beau's anger at the situation. 

Maybe they're still dating. No reason for them to stop, really, Beau made it completely clear that the soulbond is only temporary. And even if that wasn't the case, despite the fact that they already had sex he might only be interested in a platonic bond and want to date someone else. If he's being honest, Robert doesn't really know anything about his soulmate's life.

Not that he has a right to, he reminds himself. It doesn't really help dissipate the jealousy, or not much, but that's okay, nobody will know. It's just because of the soulbond.

\---

Robert has played in playoffs before, in the AHL, but it's never been like this. Even before the first round the high expectations are almost palpable in the locker room. And maybe that's extra motivation for the veterans – guys like Sid or Geno or Iginla don't seem bothered, at least not visibly – but all Robert can feel is pressure that seems to weigh several extra pounds when he steps onto the ice. 

He didn't expect it, but Beau is a huge help. They often eat dinner together now, and Beau makes sure Robert eats extra portions even when he isn't hungry anymore. One evening they watch TV together because they both want to see Die Hard; it turns out that they perfectly complement each other's commenting-during-movies style, and it happens a few more times after that. Robert starts to buy Beau's favorite kind of movie snacks, even though he doesn't particularly like them. After the first round Beau even stops complaining (much) about the movies Robert puts on when he comes back exhausted from practice and wants to do nothing but sit on the couch. He does poke him awake before he falls asleep and reminds him that the couch is not good for his back.

After a stupid loss in which Robert is a minus-2 Beau even does the laundry. The next day he comes grocery shopping with him, "to make sure you're not buying the wrong kind of alcohol too early, man, that second goal was totally the goalie's fault," after which Robert of course has to defend Vokoun. Nobody except the team is allowed to talk shit about their goalies, and they do it with love. Mostly: some of them are awkward around Flower right now, everyone knows he didn't play well. Robert is very glad that Flower has Vero. That's what soulmates are for, he thinks and then stops himself from continuing that thought. He can't think about soulbonds right now, he can't afford distractions. He can't think about how right it feels to argue over the grocery list with Beau.

They never talked much about hockey. Robert had the impression that Beau didn't particularly care for it, and he also didn't want to remind him of one of the reasons he's unhappy about bonding with Robert. So it's a bit of a surprise to find out that Beau watches all their games and even seems to have a good understanding of the game. He knows when Robert wants to talk about it afterwards and when he doesn't want to think about it, when it's safe to tease him about interview quotes and when a simple "good game" is enough. (Soulbond, Robert thinks, just for a moment.) After they win the series against the Islanders he opens a bottle of wine at dinner the next day to celebrate, and after the last game against Ottawa he hangs up balloons in the apartment and draws smiley faces on some of them. 

Robert tries to thank him for all of it, but Beau waves him off. "It's the playoffs, man. It's okay, don't worry about it."

Beau said he'll stay with Robert as long as the team is still playing. The deeper they go into the playoffs, the more time Robert can spend with Beau. It's a countdown to an unknown date in the back of his head: Soon the season will be over, and then he'll never see Beau again.

He's getting used to the idea, or almost. It doesn't hurt as badly anymore. Maybe they could become friends afterwards, one day, he'd like that.

\---

The Boston series is perhaps the worst week Robert has ever had. They had almost a week off, a week in which the uneasy knowledge that things maybe weren't working as well as they should gave way to premature optimism. The actual games against the Bruins are brutal. 

Robert doesn't play in the first game, he just watches it with the other scratched guys and slowly feels the shock settle in, wishing he was playing and yet dreading it at the same time.

Robert plays in the second game. They lose 1-6.

They lose the third game.

They lose the fourth game.

Coach and Sid say some words in the locker room, but nobody's really listening. Robert doesn't know where to look, just stands around awkwardly and tries not to get in the way of those who played. He sees Duper crying and Flower vibrating with anger and frustration and Sid preparing himself for the reporters and has to look away so he doesn't choke on nothing.

He feels numb when he finally gets home. Beau greets him at the door, and Robert doesn't feel up to looking at him. 

He showers until his skin wrinkles. Then he sits down on the couch and puts on a Disney movie, he's not even sure which one. There's probably a princess, and talking animals.

Beau sits down right next to him, almost touching. He doesn't say anything, just watches the TV. 

After two songs Robert puts his head on Beau's shoulder and closes his eyes, and Beau doesn't push him away. He's not sure if he imagines Beau putting his arm around him. It's warm, and it makes his throat feel less raw. In the morning he wakes up lying on the couch with a blanket over him.

\----

They clean out the team's lockers soon afterwards. Robert hates it, hates seeing the gear disappear and the room become empty, hates talking to the reporters, hates saying goodbye to his teammates for the summer and knowing that some of them won't be back. That maybe he won't be back. He catches a glimpse of the massage table and wishes he had time to get another massage or ten. It feels like all the stress and pressure from the playoffs have settled deep into his muscles and have only barely started to recede. 

His teammates are in different stages of getting over the Boston series, and they carefully don't talk about it. They make jokes instead: Simon even manages to get him to laugh, once, even though it wasn't that funny.

"See you in September," Simon says as he hugs him. Robert hopes he will.

"Hey, Borts," Flower says and motions him into an empty equipment room. Flower looks – better than before, at least: no longer like he's almost breaking apart.

"How are things with your soulmate?" 

"The same," Robert says. "We'll dissolve the bond in the summer. Shero knows. He said we'll talk about contracts when the situation is dealt with." Shero had actually seemed pretty supportive. But he had to think of the team first, of course.

"And you're okay?" Flower asks with a searching look.

Robert shrugs. "It'll be fine. I had months to get used to the idea, so." Actually he thinks he'll mostly be relieved the whole thing is over.

Flower looks at him critically, then his face relaxes. "Good luck."

"Thanks," Robert says. "See you in September." He really hopes so.

 

Robert probably would have waited a few more days if Flower hadn't reminded him. But now the issue is in the back of his mind and refuses to go away. Anyway, planning is important, right? Best to get it out of the way, have a clean break, so he can deal with it and then tackle everything else.

He has dinner with Beau - Beau is chattering about meaningless stuff, not demanding that he engage with anything, it's calming – and they put on another movie afterwards. Beau sits on the other side of the couch, and Robert feels guilty for cuddling up to him after the loss. He should have respected Beau's boundaries. 

He doesn't even manage to wait until the second villain appears.

"So," he asks, turning so he faces Beau, "when do you want to dissolve the bond?"

Beau pauses the movie and turns to face Robert fully. He fidgets for a few moments and doesn't say anything. Robert notices with surprise that he seems almost nervous.

"So I talked to Flower," Beau starts.

Robert interrupts. "Flower? Why – how did you talk to Flower?"

"You leave your phone lying around unlocked," Beau says, brushing it aside. "Anyway, I talked to Flower. And I looked things up on the internet and stuff. They say if we dissolve the bond there's a risk it'll affect you long-term, that you won't be able to play on the same level."

"I'll manage," Robert says. He looked up the risks himself, to find out what he'll be dealing with, and to his relief most doctors agree that the risk of long-term negative side effects is quite small. Headaches are likely, balance issues, in some cases migraines, but usually they last a few weeks at most and he can deal with that. And it's definitely safer than being on the other side of a unilaterally broken bond.

"I'm just saying," Beau isn't looking at him, his fingers playing with his hoodie. Then he looks up, right at Robert. "We can stay bonded, if you want."

He leans forward, hesitates, and kisses Robert on the mouth.

Robert blinks and stares at him. "Fuck you," he says, stands up and leaves.

\---

Robert is sitting on a park bench in the dark. His head is full of a confused tangle of half-formed thoughts, and his chest feels heavy as a rock.

He doesn't understand what happened. Months ago Beau made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want a soulbond. Robert was disappointed, but he accepted it. He tried to respect Beau's wishes as best as he could, tried not to pressure him, and he thought he managed well enough. And suddenly, completely out of the blue, Beau not only says they can keep the bond, but also kisses him. It doesn't make any _sense_. 

Distantly he notices that he's angry. His chest hurts. For the first time in months he tries to pay attention to the bond, to examine it. But he doesn't really know how: it's like he's grasping in the dark for something slippery he deliberately hid and blocked months ago.  
Frustrated, he tries to tug on the bond, pick at it, anything that might help explain – things, anything, he doesn't even know. Eventually he gives up and leans back. 

This whole soulbond thing sucks, he thinks wearily. Suddenly he wishes more than anything that he'd never met Beau – he picked up a hooker, how crazy was that? The best game and longest dry spell aren't a good enough reason. He doesn't remember what he was thinking, just that it seemed like a good idea at the time. He should have taken home any other person at the bar that night, had a normal one-night-stand with no strings attached. And maybe, if they wanted to, they could have exchanged numbers and gone on a date.

Robert used to idly hope he'd meet his soulmate one day, but right now he wishes more than anything that he had a normal boyfriend instead. It'd be so much easier. Maybe Beau was right when he said that soulbonds are just inconvenient body chemistry. Movies always make it seem like your partner is instantly and always perfect for you, but that's not how it works. Both of them have completely different lives, and if not for the soulbond they wouldn't ever have seen each other again.

Robert thinks back carefully, but he doesn't think he has to blame himself for anything. It would have sucked, but Robert was willing to dissolve the bond as soon as possible if that's what Beau wanted. It was nice of Beau to say they could wait to dissolve the bond because of Robert's career, but that was Beau's decision, he offered. And it's not like he didn't profit from it: living rent-free in Robert's big apartment and not having to do anything must be nicer than having sex for money and risk being thrown in jail every night. Robert doesn't owe him anything.

His phone rings. It's Flower, so Robert ends the call. He's pretty sure Flower is calling because Beau called him, and he's not in the mood to talk about it. Did Flower plan for Beau offering to stay when he told him dissolving the bond would be a risk to Robert's career? Robert is pretty sure he doesn't want to find out.

His phone rings again. This time it's Sid, so Robert has to take it.

"Hi," Robert says, cautious and surprised. "What's up?"

"Hi," Sid says. "I just got a call from a Beau Bennett. He says he's your soulmate."

Beau never told him a last name, said that Robert didn't need to know. Robert wonders if Bennett is his real name or if he made it up. 

Then he realizes that Beau called Sid and told him about their soulbond.

"Yes," he says, carefully calm. "What is it?"

There's a short pause. "Are you okay?" Sid finally asks.

"Yes," Robert says. Sid doesn't reply, and he realizes that the answer was probably insufficient. He wonders what Beau told Sid, and tells himself not to worry about it for now. "Just, you know. Still a bit frustrated. Trying to work things out."

"That's good," Sid says carefully. "Take care, all right? Call if you need anything."

"Thanks," Robert says sincerely. He ends the call and starts walking home.

\---

Beau appears in the doorway as soon as Robert has taken off his shoes.

"Are you all right?"

"Why did you call Sid?" Robert asks.

"I was worried! I thought I felt you do something to the bond, I didn't know what was happening."

"You could have called!"

"I didn't think you'd take my call!"

"So you thought it'd be a good idea to contact my captain? You had no right!" Sid didn't even know about Robert's soulbond. Shero advised Robert to tell him, but left it up to him, and Robert didn't want to tell any more people than he had to.

"Sorry!" Beau says. Robert doubts his sincerity. 

He walks into the kitchen, Beau flattening himself against the wall to let him pass and then following him immediately. 

"So it's Bennett, huh?" Robert asks while looking through the fridge for something to drink.

"What? Oh, yeah."

"Were you ever planning to tell me?" He knows his voice probably sounds harsh. He's not particularly bothered by it.

"Sure. I mean, I wasn't…"

Robert snorts. "Sure. Like you ever tell me anything." There's nothing in the fridge. Figures.

"That's not true."

"No? We lived together for months and I don't know anything about you. For all I know you could be an escaped mass murderer." The idea is so ridiculous that Robert almost grins for a moment. 

"No, I… you know me," Beau says, with an emphatic hand gesture.

"I know what kind of ice cream you like, but I don't know anything about your life. You never told me anything important." Robert crosses his arms, but it's like the words are flowing out of him, and he's too frustrated to even try to stop. "I paid attention, I was stupid, I was looking for breadcrumbs. I thought if I didn't push you might actually want something to do with me one day."

He realizes that it's true while he's talking. He tried not to keep hoping, he told himself not to, but he didn't succeed. Fuck. Since all of this started he wanted nothing more than for Beau to give their soulbond a real chance, but there probably wasn't ever a chance of that happening.

It's getting harder to look at Beau. Robert leans back against the counter and looks over Beau's shoulder. "I never thought I was a romantic, you know? That would have been better, if I wasn't. Made everything so much easier."

"I just wanted to-" Beau starts, sounding a bit helpless. Robert makes himself not react. "I thought it was for the best, I…"

"My career will be fine," Robert says brusquely. "We can start dissolving the bond right now."

"No, that's not what I…" Beau stops.

"Not what you want? That's nice. Did you think about what I want? I tried to do what you wanted, even when I didn't like it. Maybe it's time I do something I want for once, hm?"

"But I thought…" Beau makes a frustrated noise. He closes his eyes and seems to concentrate.

Robert watches him, frowning, when suddenly it feels like there's a stream of water spilling inside his chest. He chokes and doubles over, clutching his stomach. Something is pressing against his ribcage from the inside, something bright and hot and blue that threatens to spill out. Robert almost panics, gasps for air, tries to press it back, bit for bit. It's probably seconds, but it feels like an hour when he finally succeeds. He takes a deep breath and straightens slowly.

Beau is staring at him with wide eyes, and Robert realizes what happened.

Robert almost flinches back. He feels betrayed, manipulated, hurt: suddenly the soulbond feels like something alien sitting in his chest, something that doesn't belong to him, and he doesn't want it there. He looks at Beau and sees a person he doesn't know and doesn't want anything to do with.

"I'm," Beau starts, but Robert cuts him off.

"We're going to dissolve the bond. I'll get an appointment tomorrow. You should leave the apartment."

He remembers about the drugs and takes his wallet out. He doesn't know how much the quickest and most painless version costs, so he takes out a couple of hundred dollars.

It reminds him of that first evening, when he didn't know how much to pay Beau. For sex. He felt off-kilter then and he hasn't felt comfortable since or like he knew what he was doing. At least now he's doing something instead of just reacting to whatever Beau decides he wants to do for whatever reason.

Beau looks shocked and hurt. Robert thinks distantly that he still wants Beau, but he's trained himself to ignore it. It comes in handy now.

Robert puts the money on the table, goes to his room and shuts the door.

The next day he visits a doctor and takes the first dose of dissolution drugs.

\---

The first week is the worst. Robert mostly stays in bed, shivering with cold and fever. The doctor said, disapprovingly, that since they've left the bond incomplete for so long, without therapy or other help, the process may take even longer than normal: more than a month, possibly, but it was almost impossible to say. There's a small risk of physical and mental long-term consequences, and therapy is mandatory because soulbonds have a strong mental component.

He calls his family to tell them that he'll stay in Pittsburgh this summer and gives them an abbreviated version of events. They offer to visit and help, but he doesn't particularly want to see anyone. The drugs make him feel shaky, aching and vulnerable.

Simon and Flower call to ask how the dissolution went. "As well as could be expected, apparently," he says. Flower asks how he feels. "Relieved," he blurts out. "But it fucking hurts." Flower sends him a large box of cookies and some strange herbal tea. It probably doesn't help, but Robert drinks it anyway.

He finally finds a therapist he's comfortable with and tries to tell her what happened. It's strange to look back on events and remember what he felt, but not being able to fully understand why. The soulbond is gone, and he can't retrace how it was to have it. With the drugs, and the playoffs before, it's hard to recall a stable baseline to compare his emotions before and after. The months before that feel too distant. He remembers being uncertain a lot of the time.

He thinks the therapy helps: he still feels where the soulbond was, a hollow and empty space, but it's not as sharp as before. Or maybe that's the drugs. The doctors switched him to different drugs when he started working out again, but they make him restless and his skin itch.

He wonders if Beau has a therapist too. Even if he isn't insured, there must be emergency services for that kind of thing, right? Or he'll at least have friends to support him. Robert wishes he gave him more money, just in case. When he runs out of money, will Beau have to go back to being a prostitute? Robert didn't get the impression that he enjoyed hooking. It's none of his business, he reminds himself, but he worries. Beau was a dick sometimes, but he's a good guy, and Robert wants him to do well. 

"I didn't think of that," he admits to his therapist after he voices his concerns. "He was like a normal roommate. … Except that it wasn't voluntary, and he didn't even really like me." 

It must have sucked for Beau too, suddenly being bonded to a stranger, someone who'd paid him for sex (which is illegal, Robert can't help reminding himself.) Robert thinks he could have understood better if Beau didn't deliberately shut him out all the time and didn't seem to want anything to do with him. It hurt.

Or maybe he couldn't have. Things seem clearer now, without the soulbond. He remembers how hurt he was by Beau refusing to tell him about himself, how many recipes he tried and how much ice cream he bought in an attempt to get Beau to eat with him, how jealous he was of Jayson, and feels mostly embarrassed and a bit confused. 

He hasn't seen or heard from Beau since their final fight. Unexpectedly, that makes him sad.

"He probably doesn't even want anything to do with me," he says. 

Dr. Marsini hums. "What about the kiss?"

He tried not to think about the kiss. It made no sense with everything that happened, so he ignored it. At that time he finally thought he knew what was going to happen, all the confusion and uncertainty and strange feelings would be over, and he really didn't want to deal with yet another complication.

Now, from a distance, he tries to look at it again. He still can't figure out why Beau did it: he sort of guessed that Beau at least didn't dislike him anymore, and he was a big help during the playoffs when Robert was too tired to think or do anything at all, but a kiss? Offering to stay bonded, after how often he said that he didn't like soulbonds? Robert hoped that he would change his mind for a long time, but he didn't expect it to be so sudden, completely out of the blue. Maybe he didn't pay enough attention. Or maybe, he thinks and feels cold, Beau was just being influenced by the bond and finally gave in. Maybe Beau is relieved Robert didn't take him up on it because he never would have felt that way on his own.

Or maybe not. 

At home Robert takes out his phone, scrolls down the contact list and stares at Beau's name. He almost deleted it once, the day after Beau left. Now he thinks about calling him, but can't quite muster up the courage.

Beau might not even have the same number anymore. And even if he does... Robert isn't sure what he wants to tell him.

 

Robert signs a contract with the Pens in August. The hollow feeling in his chest is beginning to fade, and he almost doesn't think of Beau every day anymore.

\---

"Hey, Borts!" Suttsy calls across the dressing room. "Are you actually laughing? Are you ill?"

The guys laugh, and Simon tries to put a hand on Robert's forehand. 

Robert bats it away. "I'm well enough to beat you at shootout drills," he calls back.

"That's just because Flower loves you more. And I'm hurt by that, I really am, man."

"You couldn't score even if I did go easy on you."

"Hey." Robert looks up: Joey V came over and sat down next to him. "It's good to see you smiling again. You were looking really bad for a while there last year. I never thought I'd miss your terrible singing on the bench."

"My singing is awesome," Robert says automatically. 

"Sure, buddy." Joey claps him on the shoulder and leaves. 

"Did I really look that bad last year?" Robert asks Flower later when he happens to catch up with him in the corridor.

"You looked terrible," Flower says. "I was this close to forcing you to see a doctor. But you must have noticed, no?"

"I… sort of," Robert says, frowning. "It was fine. Hockey was fine."

Flower snorts. "Sure, hockey was fine, but most days you looked like a ghost."

Robert doesn't remember it being that bad, not most of the time. He remembers feeling frustrated, and heavy, and occasionally sad. But he was happy sometimes, wasn't he? He definitely knows he didn't stop smiling completely.

"But at least it's better now, so that's good," Flower continues. "Sometimes things just don't work out." 

"Yeah," Robert says. "It wasn't meant to happen." He never expected to have a soulmate anyway. Some days he's still sorry they couldn't make it work, but in hindsight it's no surprise. It was a bad situation for both of them.

"I'm pretty sure developing a soulbond is a sure sign that it was meant to happen," Flower says. "But fate isn't perfect, you know?"

Robert shrugs. "It's just body chemistry or whatever. It has nothing to do with fate."

Flower bumps his shoulder.

\---

Four days later Robert is going to dinner with Nisky, Jussi, and Jussi's rookie, when he meets Beau on the sidewalk.

"Uh," he manages and stops. 

"Hi," Beau says, stopping in front of him. He looks hesitant.

"Borts?" Nisky asks.

"Uh, guys, this is Beau, he's… he's a friend."

Beau waves awkwardly. 

"Do you want to go eat something?" Robert blurts out. "Alone," he clarifies when Beau looks at his teammates.

"Okay," Beau says.

It's disquieting how much seeing Beau still affects him. 

He says goodbye to Nisky and the others and picks the first small and private looking restaurant that he sees.

"It's good to see you," Robert says as soon as they sit down in the corner booth. 

Beau looks skeptical. He looks good, Robert thinks: maybe a bit thinner, but his hair is a lighter shade of brown after the summer, and he's less pale.

"I mean… look, I wanted to apologize," Robert says. "It was a shitty situation, but at the end, I handled it badly. I'm sorry."

The waiter arrives with bad timing to take their order.

"It's okay," Beau says when he's gone. "I didn't exactly do well myself." He's playing with a toothpick. "I was really angry about the whole thing. You probably noticed. I have some… anyway, I never wanted to bond. I'm sorry I took it out on you."

They look at each other and then at the table for a while. The tablecloth is a very interesting shade of light blue.

It's strange to look at Beau and not feel that tight pull in his chest.

"How are you doing?" Robert asks finally.

"Okay," Beau says with a shrug. "The first month sucked. But you know that."

Robert grimaces and nods.

"I liked you in the end," Beau suddenly says. "I wouldn't have offered otherwise. It wasn't about the rent or anything like that. You were nice."

"I guessed," Robert admitted. "Later. I wasn't exactly… with the playoffs and everything, it was just a really bad time."

Beau nods. 

They stare at the table some more.

"Would you like to have dinner sometime?" Robert asks. "Or you could come to a game, I could get you tickets. We have a bunch of home games coming up."

Beau looks at him, head tilted. "I'd like that," he says eventually.

They smile at each other, and Robert slowly starts to blush.


End file.
